sure. but suppose a clever monkey comes along. digs itself free from the outside of the fruit. widens the escape
FROM: quinn.alice@cdc.org
we've got way more at our disposal than monkeys
FROM: quinn.alice@cdc.org
whether you needed this or not is between you and the universe. but you didn't deserve it. no one does. and if that's what the universe thinks you need
FROM: quinn.alice@cdc.org
well then the universe is being a huge dick and needs to cut it out
we aren’t. and there isn’t an easy answer to it. but that doesn’t mean that there’s no answer at all
FROM: quinn.alice@cdc.org
you’re right about the universe. i’ve been talking to pilot too much today. it's rubbing off. but that's the problem
FROM: quinn.alice@cdc.org
whatever you did on the mission, whatever they tell us why people failed: it was free will that dictated their reaction to that. they had the choice not to do this
FROM: quinn.alice@cdc.org
that's why i can't be angry at you, i can't believe that you needed this. and if you need to believe it, okay.
FROM: quinn.alice@cdc.org
but i can't believe that you had any reason to be hurt this badly. doing this to you was wrong. and i'm just really glad that you're not dead
[ She would never admit it but that the other girl seems so angry on her behalf feels somehow heartwarming. Because she knows that the fury comes out of compassion. It is because she cares about her that she is angry about what happened. But she lets herself feel that way for only a moment before it turns to guilt. She shouldn't take any joy from the fact that Alice is suffering in anger for and because of her. ]
FROM: suyumkhe@cdc.org
The only thing you can change is how to react to it. I chose not to be angry. I wish you would choose the same.
[ It's maybe half an hour before she manages to compose herself to respond. Her fist aches where it slammed against the rover walls, a blush of slowly spreading blue. There's no one else to hear the echo, and she's acutely grateful for it. Today has been enough of a tantrum. ]
FROM: quinn.alice@cdc.org
i'm sorry. really. you've got enough on your plate right now.
FROM: quinn.alice@cdc.org
you're the last person i was checking in on and i guess i let it spiral. it was unfair to push that on you.
FROM: quinn.alice@cdc.org
we're going to figure this out, all of us. together. if there's a next time, we'll be readier.
FROM: quinn.alice@cdc.org
anders and ryan are both members of medical that will go out of their way to help if there's anything you need. get well soon.
[ It took her longer than others to realize that very few of them are here of their own volition. Most of them didn't volunteer to destroy other worlds for their own selfish reasons, like she does. That their anger and confusion, their complaints against the institution is valid because they were deceived, unlike her. She knows why she is here, she wants to be here, and so any and all tasks and the punishments that come from failing to complete them must simply be endured.
That's why she deserves this. ]
FROM: suyumkhe@cdc.org
Your anger comes from compassion. For me. You mustn't apologize.
FROM: suyumkhe@cdc.org
But I still wish seeing me hurt doesn't hurt you as well, though I see that it does.
FROM: suyumkhe@cdc.org
So I'm sorry. I will not let this happen again, Alice. I will be better.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
the longer we're here, the more i feel like that monkey
FROM: quinn.alice@cdc.org
do you need everything that happens to you?
[ The question that she won't ask yet: Did everyone else need that too? ]
no subject
You can always let go of the treat, Alice.
FROM: suyumkhe@cdc.org
We are nothing but the sum of our choices and experiences.
no subject
sure. but suppose a clever monkey comes along. digs itself free from the outside of the fruit. widens the escape
FROM: quinn.alice@cdc.org
we've got way more at our disposal than monkeys
FROM: quinn.alice@cdc.org
whether you needed this or not is between you and the universe. but you didn't deserve it. no one does. and if that's what the universe thinks you need
FROM: quinn.alice@cdc.org
well then the universe is being a huge dick and needs to cut it out
no subject
We aren't trapped only by our wrists.
[ Another monkey might choose to lose a hand rather than die. Even that's not an option in the CDC's service. ]
FROM: suyumkhe@cdc.org
You speak of the universe as if it has one grand will for me and for you when the universe is you and me and everyone else.
FROM: suyumkhe@cdc.org
If you would be angry at it, you should be angry at me, but I would rather you not be angry at all.
no subject
we aren’t. and there isn’t an easy answer to it. but that doesn’t mean that there’s no answer at all
FROM: quinn.alice@cdc.org
you’re right about the universe. i’ve been talking to pilot too much today. it's rubbing off. but that's the problem
FROM: quinn.alice@cdc.org
whatever you did on the mission, whatever they tell us why people failed: it was free will that dictated their reaction to that. they had the choice not to do this
FROM: quinn.alice@cdc.org
that's why i can't be angry at you, i can't believe that you needed this. and if you need to believe it, okay.
FROM: quinn.alice@cdc.org
but i can't believe that you had any reason to be hurt this badly. doing this to you was wrong. and i'm just really glad that you're not dead
no subject
Alice. Stop this. For me?
[ She would never admit it but that the other girl seems so angry on her behalf feels somehow heartwarming. Because she knows that the fury comes out of compassion. It is because she cares about her that she is angry about what happened. But she lets herself feel that way for only a moment before it turns to guilt. She shouldn't take any joy from the fact that Alice is suffering in anger for and because of her. ]
FROM: suyumkhe@cdc.org
The only thing you can change is how to react to it. I chose not to be angry. I wish you would choose the same.
no subject
FROM: quinn.alice@cdc.org
i'm sorry. really. you've got enough on your plate right now.
FROM: quinn.alice@cdc.org
you're the last person i was checking in on and i guess i let it spiral. it was unfair to push that on you.
FROM: quinn.alice@cdc.org
we're going to figure this out, all of us. together. if there's a next time, we'll be readier.
FROM: quinn.alice@cdc.org
anders and ryan are both members of medical that will go out of their way to help if there's anything you need. get well soon.
no subject
That's why she deserves this. ]
FROM: suyumkhe@cdc.org
Your anger comes from compassion. For me. You mustn't apologize.
FROM: suyumkhe@cdc.org
But I still wish seeing me hurt doesn't hurt you as well, though I see that it does.
FROM: suyumkhe@cdc.org
So I'm sorry. I will not let this happen again, Alice. I will be better.
no subject
i guess if we're still swapping sayings i'll leave you with this one from earth
FROM: quinn.alice@cdc.org
"if wishes were fishes, we'd all cast nets"
FROM: quinn.alice@cdc.org
i know you'll get better. you're already great.
no subject
FROM: suyumkhe@cdc.org
Wishes changes not the world but the one who wishes. To start.
FROM: suyumkhe@cdc.org
We will pass the next test truly undeserving of punishment.